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Thoughts from category: jay z

99 problems but a smoothie ain’t one (phew)

Here at Fruit Towers, we like to focus our efforts on the important jobs at hand; making tasty smoothies and juices, giving 10% of our profits to charity, making a list of Jay-Z’s 99 problems…

Here’s what we came up with:

1. Getting soufflé to rise 
2. Finding a reliable plumber 
3. Getting the smell of oranges off his hands
4. Transitioning to internet banking
5. When to use 'affect' and 'effect'
6. Long division
7. Not understanding 3D printing
8. Global warming 
9. Gluten intolerance 
10. Parallel parking 
11. Poaching eggs 
12. Remembering that Sydney isn't the capital of Australia 
13. The plight of the red squirrel 
14. Not being able to go outside to play Pokemon Go without being mobbed by paparazzi 
15. The Apple tax debacle
16. Exma 
17. How to spell ‘Eczema’
18. The rising cost of stamps 
19. Seeded grapes 
20. Leaving his shopping bags at home 
21. Hiccups 
22. Trying not to snack between meals 
23. Not being able to find the end of the Sellotape 
24. Finding half sizes for shoes 
25. Understanding the economic and socio-political implications of Brexit 
26. Not having a euro for the shopping trolley
27. Cryptic crosswords
28. Whether to make the switch from DVD to Blu-ray 
29. Unexpected item in the bagging area 
30. The objectification of women in mainstream media 
31. Hayfever
32. Pins and needles 
33. Wanting to order a cocktail but being embarrassed by its gratuitously sexual name 
34. Underripe avocados 
35. Overripe avocados 
36. His obsession with perfectly ripe avocados 
37. Feeling sleepy after lunch 
38. When to use the semi colon 
39. Daddy longlegs 
40. Really wanting a dog but knowing that his current lifestyle isn’t compatible with dog ownership 
41. Shin splints 
42. Rail replacement bus services 
43. The meaning of life 
44. Not enjoying eating yoghurt as much as the women in the adverts 
45. The hole in the ozone layer 
46. Not being able to trust contactless card payments 
47. Fixed versus variable rate mortgages 
48. Is H ‘ayche’ or ‘hayche’? 
49. The Dublin bus system 
50. Recurring nightmare where he is late for an exam he hasn’t revised for
51. Wasps
52. The western world’s over-reliance on fossil fuels 
53. Crumbs in the bed 
54. Always forgetting Longford in the Irish map quiz 
55. Forgetting to put the bins out 
56. Ladle - bowl on a stick, or just a big spoon?
57. Needing the loo in the middle of the night 
58. The declining bee population 
59. Two day hangovers 
60. Wondering whether Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift’s relationship is real or not. 
61. Solange
62. Stress-induced twitchy eye 
63. Not enjoying 'Breaking Bad' as much as everyone else 
64. Calls from unknown numbers 
65. Burnt toast 
66. Being endorsed for skills he doesn't really have by people he doesn't really know on LinkedIn 
67. Still wanting to call Emojis emoticons 
68. Foot cramp 
69. People making immature jokes about the number 69
70. Accidentally ‘replying all’
71. How much water to cook rice with 
72. Mosquitoes at dusk 
73. Kanye
74. Finding an AIB card reader 
75. People who respond ‘maybe’ to Facebook event invites 
76. The middle three Star Wars films 
77. Tickly cough 
78. The increasing gap between rich and poor 
79. Clammy hands 
80. People putting milk back in the fridge when there's only a tiny bit left 
81. Not knowing what his local council does and doesn’t recycle 
82. Whether it makes fiscal sense to buy an annual LEAP card 
83. Opening the dishwasher before it's done 
84. Insufficient legroom at the theatre 
85. Sunday traffic 
86. Feeling quite indifferent to Marmite 
87. Having to split the bill evenly after a group meal despite only drinking water and Brenda having four Daiquiris 
88. How to pronounce ‘scone’ 
89. Worrying that he doesn’t suit hats 
90. How to say ‘no’ to yet another cousin’s wedding invite 
91. Having the door held open for him from far away, so he’s forced into an awkward sort of jog walk 
92. Ambiguous toilet door signs in restaurants 
93. Understanding the politics of the Middle East 
94. Sinusitis 
95. At the end of Lady and The Tramp, 3 of their puppies look like Lady, and 1 looks like Tramp. But in real life, they’d be cross-breeds 
96. Washing his trousers with a tissue in the pocket 
97. Meaning to buy tuna in spring water but accidentally buying it in brine 
98. Lemonade
99. Realising, once he started writing them all down in list form, just how many problems he has.

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Jay-Z's 99 problems

Jay-Zs 99 problems

Jay-Z's a man with a lot of problems. We all know the thing that isn't one of them, but he's never explicitly stated what the things were that were causing him so much grief. But not to worry, we know Jay (Sean) pretty well and have recorded them all here in a comprehensive list:

 

1. Getting soufflé to rise

2. Finding a reliable plumber 3. Getting the smell of oranges off his hands

4. Transitioning to internet banking

5. 'affect' or 'effect'?

6. Long division

7. Not understanding 3D printing

8. Not being able to count to 7.

9. Gluten intolerance

10. Parallel parking

11. Global warming

12. The plight of the red squirrel

13. Poaching eggs

14. Remembering that Sydney isn't the capital of Australia

15. Unexpected rainfall

16. Kanye

17. Eczema

18. The rising cost of stamps

19. Seeded grapes

17. The pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre

20. Not knowing what comes after 19.

21. Trying not to snack between meals

22. Bedroom tax

23. Not being able to find the end of the sellotape

24. Understanding the economic implications of Greece's possible exit from the Euro

25. Hiccups

26. Finding half sizes for shoes

27. Intermediate Sudoku

28. Whether to make the switch from DVD to Blu-ray

29. Unexpected item in the bagging area

30. The objectification of women in mainstream media 31. Fluffy apples

32. Wanting to order a cocktail but being embarrassed by its gratuitously sexual name 33. Pins and needles

34. Underripe avocados

35. Overripe avocados

36. His obsession with perfectly ripe avocados

37. Feeling sleepy after lunch

38. When to use the Oxford comma

39. The meaning of life

40. Daddy longlegs

41. Really wanting a dog but knowing that his current lifestyle isn’t compatible with dog ownership

42. Rail replacement bus services

43. Not enjoying eating yoghurt as much as the women in the adverts

44. Not being able to trust contactless card payments

45. The hole in the ozone layer

46. Shin splints

47. Fixed versus variable rate mortgages

48. Is H ‘Ayche’ or ‘hayche’?

49. The m50 on a Friday.

50. Realising, once he started writing them all down in list form, just how many problems he has.

51. Flying ants

52. The western world’s overreliance on fossil fuels

53. Crumbs in the bed

54. Solange

55. Ladle - bowl on a stick, or just a big spoon?

56. Trying to get egg off of things

57. Needing the loo in the middle of the night

58. The declining bee population

59. Two day hangovers

60. Wondering how, considering he was the strongest vocalist, One Direction will cope without Zayn in the long run

61. Washing his trousers before realising there was a tissue in the pocket

62. Stress-induced twitchy eye

63. Not enjoying 'Breaking Bad' as much as everyone else

64. Calls from unknown numbers

65. Burnt toast

66. Being endorsed for skills he doesn't really have by people he doesn't really know on LinkedIn

67. The urge to call Emojis emoticons

68. Foot cramps

69. People making immature jokes about the number 69

70. Accidentally 'replying all'

71. Never knowing how much water to cook rice with

72. Mosquitoes

73. Meaning to buy tuna in spring water but accidentally buying it in brine

74. Finding his AIB card reader

75. People responding ‘maybe’ to Facebook events invites

76. Any of the new Star Wars films

77. Tickly cough

78. Secretly needing stabilisers on his bike

79. The increasing gap between rich and poor

80. Clammy hands

81. People putting milk back in the fridge when there's only a tiny bit left

82. Male pattern baldness

83. Whether it makes fiscal sense to buy an annual train ticket

84. Opening the dishwasher before it's done

85. Insufficient legroom at the theatre

86. Sunday drivers

87. Feeling quite indifferent to Marmite

88. Having to split the bill evenly after a group meal despite only drinking water and Derek having four Daiquiris

89. How to pronounce ‘scone’

90. Worrying that he doesn’t suit hats

91. The Luas works at the minute

92. Having a door held open for him from some distance away, meaning he’s forced into an awkward sort of jog walk

93. Sinusitis

94. His UPC not recording Great British Bakeoff when he went to the trouble of setting it up

95. Ambiguous toilet door signs in restaurants

96: In Lady and The Tramp, 3 of their puppies look like Lady, and 1 looks like Tramp. Really, they’d be crossbreeds

97. Going for a jog and getting a stitch

98. Breaking in new flip flops

99. Wanting to start collecting garden gnomes, but given his reputation, wondering if they might be a bit kitsch.

 

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