Thoughts from September 2015

Jay-Z's 99 problems

Jay-Zs 99 problems

Jay-Z's a man with a lot of problems. We all know the thing that isn't one of them, but he's never explicitly stated what the things were that were causing him so much grief. But not to worry, we know Jay (Sean) pretty well and have recorded them all here in a comprehensive list:


1. Getting soufflé to rise

2. Finding a reliable plumber 3. Getting the smell of oranges off his hands

4. Transitioning to internet banking

5. 'affect' or 'effect'?

6. Long division

7. Not understanding 3D printing

8. Not being able to count to 7.

9. Gluten intolerance

10. Parallel parking

11. Global warming

12. The plight of the red squirrel

13. Poaching eggs

14. Remembering that Sydney isn't the capital of Australia

15. Unexpected rainfall

16. Kanye

17. Eczema

18. The rising cost of stamps

19. Seeded grapes

17. The pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre

20. Not knowing what comes after 19.

21. Trying not to snack between meals

22. Bedroom tax

23. Not being able to find the end of the sellotape

24. Understanding the economic implications of Greece's possible exit from the Euro

25. Hiccups

26. Finding half sizes for shoes

27. Intermediate Sudoku

28. Whether to make the switch from DVD to Blu-ray

29. Unexpected item in the bagging area

30. The objectification of women in mainstream media 31. Fluffy apples

32. Wanting to order a cocktail but being embarrassed by its gratuitously sexual name 33. Pins and needles

34. Underripe avocados

35. Overripe avocados

36. His obsession with perfectly ripe avocados

37. Feeling sleepy after lunch

38. When to use the Oxford comma

39. The meaning of life

40. Daddy longlegs

41. Really wanting a dog but knowing that his current lifestyle isn’t compatible with dog ownership

42. Rail replacement bus services

43. Not enjoying eating yoghurt as much as the women in the adverts

44. Not being able to trust contactless card payments

45. The hole in the ozone layer

46. Shin splints

47. Fixed versus variable rate mortgages

48. Is H ‘Ayche’ or ‘hayche’?

49. The m50 on a Friday.

50. Realising, once he started writing them all down in list form, just how many problems he has.

51. Flying ants

52. The western world’s overreliance on fossil fuels

53. Crumbs in the bed

54. Solange

55. Ladle - bowl on a stick, or just a big spoon?

56. Trying to get egg off of things

57. Needing the loo in the middle of the night

58. The declining bee population

59. Two day hangovers

60. Wondering how, considering he was the strongest vocalist, One Direction will cope without Zayn in the long run

61. Washing his trousers before realising there was a tissue in the pocket

62. Stress-induced twitchy eye

63. Not enjoying 'Breaking Bad' as much as everyone else

64. Calls from unknown numbers

65. Burnt toast

66. Being endorsed for skills he doesn't really have by people he doesn't really know on LinkedIn

67. The urge to call Emojis emoticons

68. Foot cramps

69. People making immature jokes about the number 69

70. Accidentally 'replying all'

71. Never knowing how much water to cook rice with

72. Mosquitoes

73. Meaning to buy tuna in spring water but accidentally buying it in brine

74. Finding his AIB card reader

75. People responding ‘maybe’ to Facebook events invites

76. Any of the new Star Wars films

77. Tickly cough

78. Secretly needing stabilisers on his bike

79. The increasing gap between rich and poor

80. Clammy hands

81. People putting milk back in the fridge when there's only a tiny bit left

82. Male pattern baldness

83. Whether it makes fiscal sense to buy an annual train ticket

84. Opening the dishwasher before it's done

85. Insufficient legroom at the theatre

86. Sunday drivers

87. Feeling quite indifferent to Marmite

88. Having to split the bill evenly after a group meal despite only drinking water and Derek having four Daiquiris

89. How to pronounce ‘scone’

90. Worrying that he doesn’t suit hats

91. The Luas works at the minute

92. Having a door held open for him from some distance away, meaning he’s forced into an awkward sort of jog walk

93. Sinusitis

94. His UPC not recording Great British Bakeoff when he went to the trouble of setting it up

95. Ambiguous toilet door signs in restaurants

96: In Lady and The Tramp, 3 of their puppies look like Lady, and 1 looks like Tramp. Really, they’d be crossbreeds

97. Going for a jog and getting a stitch

98. Breaking in new flip flops

99. Wanting to start collecting garden gnomes, but given his reputation, wondering if they might be a bit kitsch.